THE DANGERS OF "YES" IN KUNG FU AND YOUR CAREER
Today at Kung Fu practice my son ran through a pretty complex routine and at its end, the Shifu (teacher) asked him if he knew what was the problem with it. I was super proud to hear him uncharacteristically answer "no, I'm not sure" and I immediately reinforced his decision to take the harder route, admit that he doesn't know, and ask for guidance.
Questions like "do you know what problem is?" and "is it clear?", often illicit us to respond affirmatively or simply keep silent, because it's hard to admit that you didn't understand something and what it might imply about your mental abilities. Yet often not speaking up to make sure there's full alignment and understanding on both sides yields frustration, anger and much worse down the line.
I'll explain why this behavior really is "dangerous" to your career and what to do instead to avoid these dangers, as well as coach your team through them.
WHY DO WE HESITATE TO ASK FOR CLARIFICATION?
Everyone wants to be perceived as smart, both by their peers and in their own mind's eye, and not understanding something right away can make one feel lacking. Admitting the fact we didn't fully understand something, especially to a figure of authority like a manager or a professor, or simply to someone we care about, can be a daunting task.
Try to remember how many times a professor was explaining a concept and while you didn't fully get it, your mind went something like this: "oh no, I didn't get it... should I ask her to explain again? Clearly the entire class got it because no one else is speaking up... I don't want to hold them back and have everyone think I'm stupid...". Later in life you've probably realized that this thought was shared by at least half the people in class, while the professor also remained frustrated thinking "why are they not asking anything? Did they get it? Perhaps I'm explaining this so badly that no one understands but has given up on asking?"
The same thing happens in our personal and work life. We tend to forget, both as managers and employees that no one has developed mind-reading or mind-projecting abilities, so making sure both parties are aligned isn't trivial.
We all know the scenario: a person delegates a task to another person and thinks the task is pretty well defined. In most cases while it probably is not, the outcome will be still good.
How come?
Well, it's probably not well defined in the sense that a genie could easily find a way to misinterpret it if it was formulated as a wish (we all know genies specialize in finding every way to misinterpret a wish).
So how come the outcome ends up being acceptable? Because most such handoffs are made with enough joint context. People know each other at work, they have company values to go by and usually work on the same team, so gaps can be easily filled.
Most of us have also experienced another version of this interaction though, where a misalignment resulted in the wrong thing being delivered, and that's why with mission critical projects, extra care is taken to ensure the deliverables are clear, timelines are accurate to the hour, etc.
The bottom line is that our minds take many shortcuts and assumptions into consideration as part of their routine operation and these are further reinforced by just working most of the time.
WHEN SHOULD YOU ASK FOR CLARIFICATION? A CHECKLIST FOR BOTH SIDES
High stakes, like a critical presentation, a milestone delivery, a customer meeting, and so forth.
Minimal context. This happens with a new team member or manager most often that doesn't know you or the team's work very well.
A truly confusing explanation was given, which can happen for oh so many reasons. If you're really not clear, please ask.
Finally, lack of interaction from the receiving party. If you've just talked for ten minutes straight and the other person didn't have anything to say, double-check yourself.
HOW SHOULD YOU ASK FOR CLARIFICATION? TIPS AND TRICKS
Sometimes a "could you please clarify" will do the trick, but not always. You might also hesitate to use it because of all the insecurities we've mentioned before and stalling the conversation/interaction.
Sadly, some people when asked to clarify will just repeat the same thing again, maybe slower, maybe louder, and sometimes add some detail. But if it's still not clear, the chances of asking for another clarification are slim.
A much better way is to repeat back the explanation or request.
This has multiple benefits:
It shows people you've listened and paid attention
It really reflects your understanding of the situation and helpful details can be added
The conversation isn't stalled but moves forward in a beneficial way
HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE UNDERSTOOD?
Remember that you usually have more control or power in the situation if you are the one explaining a subject or delegating a task. Ultimately it's your responsibility to make sure you've communicated properly, and that includes validating the information has been internalized.
Just like you can control if you're asked questions at the end of a presentation by asking either "do you have any questions?" which almost guarantees no questions, or "what questions do you have?", so you should also own proper understanding.
Don't hesitate to ask the recipient, in a gentle and constructive way as suggested below, to elaborate or repeat the information themselves.
Please take extra care, because simply asking someone to repeat something back might be rude or show a lack of confidence in their abilities, so find a good spin on it. Explain how this is a complex subject that requires context you're not sure they have, or that you think you could have done a better job explaining the topic, or clarifying the stakes and confess paranoia.
Instead of asking for a reiteration, an even better approach could be to ask what their plan of execution is, whether they plan to show you a draft, when you could expect that draft, do they need your help, etc.
Did you ever experience this situation? Do you have other methods to deal with it? I'd love to know.
-Dan
